I
have really enjoyed reading everyone’s chapters in the Blogvel:
The Skeleton Key. This blogvel was a creation of Michelle
Simkins from GreenWoman. A lot of
talented writers have gotten to join in on the fun and write a chapter. This week happens to be my turn. I hope that this chapter is as entertaining as
all the others. Next week will be Cherie’s
turn to write a chapter. You will find
her blog here.
My body was no longer searching for the elusive breath of
the living. The meta essence had
performed its task and allowed my shape shifting abilities to mimic death. I glanced around expecting to see Ax in the
corner of the room being tortured by Angelica’s psychic attacks, but instead I found my vision clouded. I wasn’t in the embassy anymore. I was floating on my back in a milky way of
fog.
“So this is what an
‘astral river of transformation’ looks like,” I mumbled to myself.
Ax had said I would find a guide to help me navigate through
the river and find the murdered gatekeeper.
So far I hadn’t seen anyone else floating through the fog with me. It was quiet and I was alone. I started to worry that Ax was mistaken when
I began to drift more quickly. I rolled over onto my stomach so I could look
forward and see what was coming.
The mist looked thicker up ahead. My river was heading toward a large swirling
pool. If I squinted I could see other streams
like mine leading toward the same location.
This must be where the dead souls collected before entering the current
that transported them to their rebirths.
I laughed at the ease with which I seemed able to accept this new turn
of events. You try spending a couple of
days with a hot, sexy dragon and you’ll believe the unbelievable too.
The current I floated in started to churn as I got closer to
the pool. I was dumped unceremoniously
into the spiraling whiteness and found myself
sinking deeply. At some point in my fall
the mist dissipated and I landed on my ass at the bottom of the large cavern
that I’d mistaken for a pool.
“Here, let me help
you up,” said a jovial voice behind me.
I looked around and found myself looking at the hem of a
multi-colored cloak. My eyes slowly crept
up the garish robe until I was looking into the eyes of tall, slightly chubby
man with white hair that stuck out in all directions. He had his hand extended to me, and I let him help me up.
“Are you my guide?” I asked.
“Guide, tracker, best buddy.
Whatever you need I can do it!” he said happily.
“You’re not quite what I was expecting. I guess I thought my guide would be the grim
reaper or something.”
The monster chuckled, “Oh, Mark never greets the
newbies. Plus, he was busy. There was a big hullabaloo over in the 3rd
quadrant. You know. Some monsters just aren’t ready to die. They make a big fuss and then Mark has to get
all grim on them, ya know?”
“My name is Greg, and
I’m an Ankou. Jump into my cart and I’ll
explain on the way to the check-in point.”
I hadn’t noticed the cart behind Greg until he mentioned it, but I
couldn’t believe I had missed it. It was
similar to a golf cart except it had a large wicker basket tied on to the
back. It was also painted bright orange
and purple with a red bicycle flag flying from the top. It was hideous. I quickly looked around and noticed that no
one was looking at us. In fact, it was
obvious that those souls that were entering my quadrant of the cavern were
trying very hard not to look at us. Good
thing I was already dead, or I would have died of embarrassment. I was going to kill Ax when I got back.
Thinking of Ax made me remember my mission and how I needed
to track down the gatekeeper. Once I was
owner of the gate I could get back to Ax and we could get my sister. I jumped in the cart and fastened my
seatbelt. Looking at my crazy guide, I
figured the seatbelt was there for a reason, even though I was dead.
“So, an Ankou is a little like a grim reaper, but just for
the parishes in Brittany. I had a great
little gig going for awhile. Drive
around in this little cart and collect the souls of the dead. It was sweet!
I was good at my job, but Mark said the
recently dead don’t seem to like my colorful cart. I never understood it, but they complained
all the time. I ask you; why not go out
in style?”
My mind immediately played the Monty Python “Bring out yer
Dead!” scene. I could just imagine how unpopular
cheery Greg and his colorful cart would be when collecting souls.
Greg started the cart and pressed the horn, and Oingo
Boingo’s It’s a dead man’s party
blared from a hidden speaker. I hunched down in my seat hoping no one else
could see me.
“Anyway, Mark gave me a job to usher monsters to the check-in
point. That’s where we’re headed
now. Once you’re checked in, you can
catch the current to the rebirth center.”
“Wait,” I said as I finally managed to interrupt his
monologue. “I don’t know that I need to
go to there just yet. I really need to
find a recently expired gatekeeper and talk with him for a few minutes. Have you seen a gatekeeper?”
“Hmm. Well, normally
everyone’s at the check-in. Most folks
are ready for rebirth right away. But,
there are always a few who don’t want to go
quickly; they want to rest up a bit first.
They always hang out at Starbucks.”
“Starbucks? They
really ARE everywhere.”
Greg tooted his horn and sped up as he turned a corner. I hadn’t been looking around before this but
the bottom of the cavern was actually a small town. Greg turned into the coffee house parking
lot. I noticed that all the other carts
in the lot were somber grey or black.
We went into the Starbucks and stepped in line to order our
drinks. There were three people in line
before us: Two gnomes standing together chatting
and one tall guy at the front of the line.
When his order was ready he grabbed the cup with only three fingers and
his thumb. That was my guy! He walked to a corner of the store and
grabbed a book from his back pocket before he sat in a comfy chair. It looked like he planned to stay awhile.
We ordered our drinks and waited for them to arrive. Greg was talking the whole time but I had
tuned him out in favor of focusing my energy on the gatekeeper. I needed to figure out a way to introduce
myself to him without scaring him off.
Greg and I got our drinks and I walked toward the area the
gatekeeper was sitting. Greg followed
behind me still talking. The gatekeeper
glanced up as I started to walk past and I knew it was my only chance.
“What are you reading?” I asked the gatekeeper.
“The Metamorphosis. It’s one of my favorites,” the gatekeeper
said glancing from me to Greg.
Fortunately Greg had shut up to hear the gatekeeper answer my question.
“Oh, I liked it too,” I said and quickly sat down before he
could dismiss me. The gatekeeper looked
a little irritated but shut his book to be polite.
The gatekeeper placed his book on the table and sipped his
coffee. “I’m hoping my rebirth will be
as exciting as the book. I don’t want to
be a gatekeeper this next go-around. It
was a dangerous job as you can tell since I’m here. Murdered!
Angelica totally surprised me when she killed me. That’s why I’m hanging around. Not really in any hurry to get back into it
again.”
“Don’t you care that the person who murdered you is now in
charge of your gate?” I asked. I told
them all about Angelica’s schemes for revenge on her brother’s behalf.
“Well, since my essence is still on the gate, I can tell
that the monster is not really in charge yet.
There’s a second monster that has gained partial control. They can just duke it out as far as I’m
concerned.”
“But there are people that are at risk, they’re dying. They are cut off from their other dimensions
and stuck inside their embassy. Wouldn’t
you want to help if you could?” I asked.
“Well, I guess so.
But what can I do? Since there
are two people controlling the gate, there is no benefit for me to move on
quickly. Neither can own the gate, so
why rush?”
“How would one of the people become the owner of the
gate? There’s got to be a way.” I
mumbled.
“Oh, there’s a way alright,” said Greg. “But it’s pretty impossible. One of the owners would have to come to the
gatekeeper here in the Astral Lake and ask for the old gatekeepers blessing. He would transfer his blessing to the owner
and remove his essence from the gate. I
don’t think it’s ever been done though.
How could someone die and then go back to living? I guess you could enter the current in the
Astral River of Transformation and go to the rebirthing center but the
likelihood of getting birthed into a gatekeeper again is extremely unlikely.”
“But what if you weren’t really dead?” I asked.
The gatekeeper and Greg looked at me like I was crazy.
“What do you mean?” the gatekeeper asked.
“Look, this is really serious. Your gate is being controlled by someone who wants to change the monster world forever. Between the three of us, we could stop her.” I realized that I was laying it on a little
thick, but Greg seemed to love the idea of being a hero.
Greg agreed, “It could be so fun! But what could we do? We need the good monster to meet the
gatekeeper.”
“What if I said that I am the good gatekeeper?” I
asked.
The gatekeeper and Greg began to laugh.
“I’m serious! And I
can prove it!” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the skeleton key. The laughter stopped abruptly.
“How are you doing this?
How are you here?” the gatekeeper asked.
“Are you dead?”
“Yes and no. But I
need your blessing and I need you to banish your essence from the gate. I need to take over the gate so we can catch
your murderer and put the dimensional embassies back to order. Will you do it?”
The gatekeeper looked at me and then at Greg. He looked down at his book and sighed. He picked up his coffee cup and drank the
last swallow.
“Let’s do it. I can
always finish my book once I’m reborn.
Let’s go get this bitch.”
I thought the gatekeeper was going to change his mind when
he saw Greg’s cart. But he impressed me by quickly glancing
around and climbing in. I sat next to
him and Greg started the cart and honked the horn.
“How do you give me your blessing?” I asked the gatekeeper.
“It’s pretty simple.
I just need to do a toast while we take a drink. Greg is taking us to the local bar.”
Apparently the local bar was just down the street. If I’d have known that I would have walked
instead of ridden in the hideous cart, but it was too late. We were here.
The three of us walked into the bar and it was a scene right
out of Star Wars. There were all these
different types of monsters at the bar and at the card tables. The smoke in the air was heavy and the music
was blues. I felt like saying, “these are not the droids you are looking for”
but I figured no one else would think it was funny.
We approached the bar and the gatekeeper ordered three shots
of some awful green sludge. I sniffed
the shot glass and it smelled like a mix between moss and mint. I was not sure that I’d be able to keep the
drink down, but the gatekeeper wasn’t worried about my sensitivities.
I sniffed it again and sneezed.
“Bless you,” said the gatekeeper in an automatic response to
my sneeze. Greg and I tipped back our
shots and drank. The gatekeeper’s eyes
widened in surprise, he shrugged his shoulders and chugged back his shot.
“That was easy,” said Greg.
11 comments:
Wahahaha! Your version of the underworld is hilarious! I liked the nod to Star Wars (since I'm a fan). It's my turn next week...EEEKKK!
You did well, my young Padawan, er, Master Kellie!
Thanks Cherie! It was fun to write. I know you're going to rock next weeks chapter!
Fabulous you are! This was funny and so much fun. "Not dead yet!"
Death's name is Mark?! And there's Starbucks in the underworld! Hahaha brilliant!
XDDDD MARK THE GRIM REAPER
This is AWESOME, Kellie. I hope I can see more non-children's writing from you in the future (as well as children's, of course)! =]
Thanks Jen, I mean Yoda. I hoped some would enjoy my Monty Python reference.
JLea - Ah death, where is thy sting? Hard to be scared when deaths name is Mark, I guess. And of course there is a Starbucks in the underworld. They're everywhere!
Thanks Riley. I was really curious about what you'd think of the chapter. I hope it met everyone's expectations. I just couldn't be serious when writing it. I had to go for humor.
I totally got the Monty Python reference. Love it!
I've never watched Monty Python, but I thought the ugly cart and the ever-present Starbucks was hilarious! Great job :D
hahah! I loved the pop culture references scattered throughout. Totally brilliant and fresh!
Thanks Delisa and Jenny. Glad you enjoyed my Monty Python and Star Wars references. Jenny, I know if I can make you laugh, then it was good because you're always so funny.
AM - you've got to watch Monty Python. Start with the Holy Grail. So classic.
LOL! Your underworld doesn't sound hideous at all! My Dear Hubby will thoroughly enjoy knowing golf carts make it to hell!
Hugs and great job!
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